Becoming More Real

Well, I have my phych eval set up and the initial consult with Dr B.  The psych eval is October 12th and the appt with Dr B is October 28th.

It's starting to get more real now.

I'm thinking about it a lot.

I've also been nauseated and feeling over full all of the sudden.  It's really strange.  I find myself thinking, "Is this what it will feel like after the surgery?"

I wonder what will happen in the first consult.  I wonder if they'll schedule the surgery.  Could I be surgerized by Thanksgiving?  So many questions and not enough answers.

I'm trying to make myself be VERY patient...not wonder about things...not worry about things I know NOTHING about...just stay calm, hold everything loosely, and let things happen as they will.

I've breached the subject with O. (my oldest daughter).  I don't plan on telling anyone outside my immediate family.  I don't trust anyone on his side, and my side all lives so far away, I'm just not going to tell them until I visit at Christmas (assuming that I have had the surgery by then.) 

I'm not even planning on telling the kiddos because they're so young, I just don't want to explain it to them and have them slip and tell someone.  So, I'm going to tell them that mommy has to have surgery on her "girl parts."

I don't know if that's healthy, but I just really don't want to have to talk to anyone about it.

I did tell my best friend.

I LOVE her SO much and I trust her with my life.  I would do anything for her and she would do anything for me.  It's great to have a friend like that.  I've waited for a LONG time for a friend like that.

Anyway.

I'll sign off for now.  I have a class to prepare for.